Strengthening Father-Child Bonds

Posted: May 26, 2009 9:35 AM
Updated: May 26, 2009 9:35 AM

Real Families, Real FUN: For Parents
Strengthening Father-Child Bonds
By By Darcy Lockman for Real Families, Real Fun

The bond between mother and child gets a lot of attention, but what about the bonds between fathers and their children? Research out of Pennsylvania State University and the University of California has shown that father-child interactions are central to everything from a child's ability to regulate emotionally to the capacity to maintain strong, fulfilling social relationships later in life. Here, with the help of Steven Richfield, PhD, child psychologist and author of The Parent Coach: A New Approach to Parenting in Today's Society (Sopris West), we provide quick, simple ways for dads to boost their bonds with their sons and daughters.

Show (Don't Tell) Your Love
Psychologists believe that mothers and fathers provide different kinds of physical stimulation and comfort for small children. When fathers as well as mothers are involved, children can stretch their capacities both emotionally and physically. In the first few years especially, this is largely about expressions of physical comfort and affection. "Saying I love you is not enough," says Dr. Richfield. "Demonstrating that in heartfelt ways -- caressing infants, taking toddlers' hands, picking them up when they're crying, snuggling at night -- tangible physical displays of affection are very important with young children. This kind of interaction can be difficult for some men, especially those who didn't get that from their own fathers when they were little. But it is first and foremost for me: clear demonstrations of love, provided in unambiguous, consistent ways."

Develop Rituals
Engaging in a ritualized activity with your child day after day, month after month, lets your child feel loved and special. Dr. Richfield says, "It can be anything that the father can routinely do with the child -- bedtime rituals such as lying in bed with the child, telling stories, certain ways of maybe singing to them, or silly games, peek-a-boo, tickle monsters -- love is imbedded in whatever expressions they make up that becomes a private activity between them."

Ethan Barker, 33, of Farmington, Michigan, plays a pretending game he calls "Let's Go" with his four-year-old daughter most nights before he puts her to bed. "She became interested in the globe in her room, and so we made up a game where we spin the globe and pretend we are going to go wherever our finger points when the globe stops spinning," he says. "We have a little suitcase, and talk about what we'd like to bring and what we might do when we get there. We've been playing for a couple months now, and she really gets excited about it each night, as do I."

Find Your Inner Child
"Fathers can have closer relationships with their kids if they're willing to regress in the service of the relationship," says Dr. Richfield. "Fathers need to have a real capacity to enter the child's world. The relationship becomes richer if the father can play fantasy and physical kinds of games, have imaginary places to go with your child in your dialogue together. A lot of pretend play dominates children in the toddler and pre-school years, where more tactile play dominates the infant time period."

Jonathan Sacker, 28, of White Plains, New York, often rides pretend horses with his three-year-old son. "He says 'Dad, get on,' and I stand in back of him and we gallop around the living room, trying not to be thrown from the horse. When he gets tired of galloping, I'll suggest we groom the horse, and feed him, and we cut up apples and give them to him. When my wife comes in the room, we ask for her help brushing the horse. I try really hard not to break from the fantasy as we're playing."

Hit the Books
While mothers purchase upwards of 90 percent of the parenting literature, fathers could benefit from some book learning as well. Explains Dr. Richfield, "You have to do a little reading. I think fathers are in the dark, especially during the first six or so years. You have to become educated to develop a bond with your child. What comes naturally to a 35-year-old man is not going to be what a three or four year old needs. Learning what boys and girls need at any given age -- and these needs are pretty much the same for both sexes when they're young -- helps fathers become closer to their kids. To be able to give them what they desire, you really have to know about their world."

Darcy Lockman lives in Brooklyn, New York, and is currently getting her PhD in psychology.